Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
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Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
May never get over this
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*