Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
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[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.