Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
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A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Saturday
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on