why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
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Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
I will never stop laughing at this
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious