i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
You Might Also Like
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.