Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
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so weird how every mom was born today
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go