Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
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I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Woke up against my better judgement again
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.