My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
You Might Also Like
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
If you know, you know
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Smallpox sounds so adorable
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up