When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
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My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
This meal prepping shit is easy
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling