I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
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You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Knock Knock
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT