Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
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Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere