Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
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My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.