Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
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If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
#milo
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
consequences, the bane of my existence
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.