Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
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“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.