I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
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My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience