Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
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ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
[eulogy]
line?
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?