“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
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There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun