sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
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Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Incredible customer service.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
You learn something every day
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.