I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
You Might Also Like
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.