by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
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When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
termite twitter scares me
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick