Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
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OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.