waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
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CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Is this you?
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.