Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
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BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”