Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
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I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Fries, not lies.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
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What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,