I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
You Might Also Like
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT