[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
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me hitting on a model
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?