My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
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[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Oh we’ve met.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
My plans: 2020:
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.