[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
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My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
iPhone X
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
ok this is my dumbest yet
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
…żyje?