Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
You Might Also Like
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”