I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
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*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Me, reading some of your tweets