Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
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Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die