I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
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[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes