My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
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wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet