True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
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[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!