In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
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aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
❤️🦆
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting