My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
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guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
This story is comedy gold 😂
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”