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Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.