I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
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I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I love you…
…r dog.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*