This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
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Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Every haunted house movie: