Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
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[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably