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Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…