“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
You Might Also Like
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Florida be like…
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears