Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
You Might Also Like
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.