Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
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I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
B
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.