what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
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Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.