My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
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10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”