ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
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I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.