Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
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If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit