You make me want to be a better home and garden.
You Might Also Like
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Just why bro?!
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.