My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
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Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!